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'My dearest, darling, dapper, dashing Diary, What ho! 'Tis I, the man of the moment (and, indeed, of every moment), Boris Johnson. Today was a balmy summer one, and so your devoted diarist opted to recline upon the bank of the Thames, reflecting on glories of the previous twelvemonth. Naturally, my second year at Eton has been an unbroken string of victories and vindications. I outwitted my rivals, wrote every essay at the last moment, and snuck a metric tonne of Curly Wurlies from the tuck shop. And I only expect to achieve more in the coming year. To paraphrase that fine Olympic slogan: Citius, Altius, Fortius, Borius!'